A Tearful Thirteen

Chapter 32

I was really hoping to be able to start this post stating I have done the longest run yet. Unfortunately I cannot. My plan was to log 14. It was 80 degrees this morn with a slight breeze and this against a shaddy trail make great summer time running conditions. However, my gut had other plans around mile 11 so I did a lot of walking to even hit 13. Getting in that last mile just was not going to happen.

It’s okay. I’m not going to sweat it, even though I seemed to have left a nice trail of it on the path. Today’s run was full of emotional angst. My oldest daughter graduated high school this weekend. I fully expected graduation day to be full of tears for me and decided to take a vacation day. However unlike her first day of kindergarten, not a tear dropped.

This was probably due to the manner in which the ceremony took place. It was set to be held on the football field at 7PM. We showed up at 6:00 PM and took our seats. As we listened to the same song over and over again for 30 minutes, the dark clouds began to roll in. At 6:45 they asked us to either go into the building or sit in our cars, lightening dangers and all, until 7:15 to see what the storms would decide to do. At 7:15 they called it and directed everyone that the ceremony would be moved to the Middle school and begin at 8:15.

We were finally able to get there by 8PM with standing room only. So after all of this and having to stand behind people taller than me, hardly able to see the stage, not having a working camera for pictures, the proud albeit sad feelings were buried under the frustration. But she made it and was thrilled and I was happy for her.

Now last night was a different story. I was finally able to relax and it hit me like freight train. My baby had graduated! To say I became sad is understating it…. A LOT! And the dehydration that occurred by all of my fluid loss surely effected me today. But that was okay.

Yet again, running was my escape. Mile after mile I thought about all of the fun we’ve had over the last 18 years, granted the last two were stressful. I always mothered her even being 19 when I had her and refused to be just the ‘best friend’ mom type. I was her mother. I wanted more for her and constantly told her so. Even with that being the case, I took her everywhere with me, floor dropping, screaming fits and all and have always enjoyed every grocery shopping trip she took with me while we tried to see just how much we could save.

As she got older I dragged her around looking at decor for the house, yard, all sorts of places, which she eagerly appeared to enjoy. The last few years she has run on and off with me, wants to do races and I hope it is because I inspire her and she loves spending the time with me. As with some teens unfortunately, the easy way out appeals grately to them, and I feel I’ve lost her. I try to instill responsibility and independance, but I guess having others just do for you may win out.

My mind ran through all of this and more by mile 8, at which time I began cryheaving and remembering how I read to her every night as a small child the same story, ‘The Gingerbread Man’. Around age three, she began reading it to me. I cannot tell you how amazing this child is. Graduated with honors, report cards full of A’s, more potential in her pinky finger than most acquire throughout their whole life. This is the main reason for the dry tears during today’s run.

It’s hard to believe as parents we try so hard to raise our children to be polite, confident, dependable, self sufficient and what do they do? Forget it all when a silver plate is presented to them. I love my daughter, but the lazy gene has hit her lately and I just do not know how to get her out of this mindset before she makes a mistake she will regret her whole life.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I have to let her grow up her own way and make mistakes. I just do not want to see her have to struggle in life when it is wide open to her at the moment. It took me 10 years to get my first associates degree. I was a young mother, wife, worked two to three jobs at any one time and went to college when I was able. I may have people tell me all the time I just do not know how to have fun and enjoy life, well when I had to grow so quickly, which I did without even blinking an eye or a second tought, and became responsible for another life, just doing what ever I wanted was not a priority to me at all. She was my all and I would not have had it any other way. I just want the best for her, see her succeed and not live paycheck to paycheck.

So I’ll jump off my depression box now and plan out my week. Since I had to cut my run one mile short today, I told myself I had to fit in three this week to make up for that. Sorry for the emotional litter but that was 90% of my run today.

Originally posted on The Loop June 12, 2011

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